Miscellaneous - A Tad NSFW

There are tons of little things I've wanted to draw comics about, but since none of them were long enough I decided to throw them together into one big post.  I may or may not use colours, depends on how hard it would be to read them. Nope.

The Weirdest Dream I Had This Year

I say "this year" because I'm notorious for ridiculous dreams.  This one's just the most recent, plus if features my good friend D.J.Dent!

 

I don't remember what happened after that, just that for the rest of the dream D.J. walked around with the stapler on her face.

A Home Made Porn Flick

Only not really because it's a comic, not a movie.

Recently I paid a visit to my good friend, Lauren, whose dog decided it would be a really good idea to evacuate every ounce of poop from her bowels onto the carpet.  I have never seen so much poop in my entire life.  Being the sweet person she is and wary of my dog allergies, Lauren scrubbed the shit out of that floor (hurrr).  I went into the kitchen to find a cup for some water, but all of the cups, among other things, had mysteriously disappeared when Jamie's ex-girlfriend moved out (like the sugar, for some reason).

Eventually, Jamie offered me a Martini glass.  I filled it up and turned around to find Lauren's ass just starting me in the face.  I looked at my martini glass, the way I was standing, and then back to her on the floor and laughed.

 (I  had to cut and paste those panels, I drew them in the wrong order for some reason.  That's why the margins are off.)

"What are you laughing at?"  Lauren asked.

"Your ass, " I replied.  "This looks like the opening of a bad porno."

After that we made porno jokes back and forth until we found something else to do (rearrange the entire apartment).  However, my mind was still trying to put together a terrible porno based off of the previous event.  This was the result (possibly NSFW):

(Y U NO RIGHT SIZE)

Now, I find porn too hilarious to seriously watch it, so I'm not too sure if that's on the nail or not.  My guess is yes.  Now all I need to do is get into the porn directing business and make a killing. 

Softcore Porn

Again, porn is ridiculously hilarious.  I find sex funny in general, but when people do it on camera and fake the most ridiculous noises it's even better.  Though, some of the funniest porn is actually softcore.  I mean, think about it.  What's more absurd, a librarian dressed like a slut in glasses or dressing a girl like a slut and thinking that glasses suddenly make her look like a librarian?  What about teachers?  Ever meet a hot teacher?  Ever meet a hot teacher who dressed like the girl in the back of class who has self esteem issue and thinks short skirts make everything better?

My favorite softcore situation is the "just woke up" sexy scene.  Not sex, just sexy.  You know, the tousled hair, the see through nightie, that whole thing.  What's so funny about this?  Basically, the fact that waking up in the morning is absolutely nothing like that.

There is nothing sexy about morning breath, eye crusties and bedhead.  I don't know if just me, my long hair, Spencer and his curly hair, but bedhead is basically a giant rats nest that encases your entire head.  Definitely sexy, amirite?

I thought I'd draw a couple different versions of me and Spencer in the morning.  One "softcore" and the other reality.

(I scan like a champ.)

I seriously doubt I'm the only one that wakes up like that.

I understand that softcore porn is more about a fantasy, and fantasies are always ridiculous to everyone but the fantasizer, but the sexy wake up is just preposterous.  Nobody wakes up sexy, and nobody ever will.  I damn near kill Spencer with my morning breath every morning when he leans in to kiss me goodbye and his bed-beard will never cease to amaze me (it's like bedhead for your beard).

Video Games (again)

I say some funny stuff when I play video games.  What's even better is that I imagine the character in the game saying what I am.  I even do this when Spencer plays video games, and he finds it just as hilarious as I do.  I shouted something once that had Spencer and I laughing for a few hours.  It was ridiculous.  At one point I stopped breathing.

I'm very bad at video games.  I love to play them and will do so for hours, I'm just horrible at them.  Because of this, I'm a tad picky about  what games I play and why I play them.  I figure if I'm going to be pulling my hair out because of a video game it might as well be worth it.

That's basically it.  If I can be gay, I'm sold.

Precious to Me

 [Since my tablet is broken I bit the bullet and illustrated this with markers.  You'll probably have the click the images to enlarge and read them :)]

I got into a conversation the other day with Spencer about how pearls are my favorite precious gem.  Later, while speaking to my (ex)manager about the same thing, he interrupted me, saying they were semi-precious.  I replied with slight irritation and not-so-slight twang, "Ah don't cay-ure." and then continued what I was saying.

Personally, I don't care if a gem is precious or not.  In my opinion, pearls aren't even gems, jewels, or anything of the sort.  They're more like. . .hardened mollusk snot.  It's because of this that I like pearls so much.  It's almost ironic that something so beautiful and revered comes from such icky origins.

When a piece of sand or something else weird gets inside of a mollusk's shell, if it's irritating enough to the soft tissue, the mollusk will form a pearl around it by adding layer after layer of some kind of hardened liquid.  That's like a human being making the conscious decision to grow something around the tag of his shirt because it's itchy.

Due to my love of such irony, I actually bought my boyfriend and I something pearl related for valentines day.  Girly, I know, but I wanted to give him something strange, nifty, and romantic.  Pearls do manage hit all of those targets.

While visiting a gift shop in Tarapin, Florida I came across a display of "wishing pearls".  Basically, a company farms pearls inside of clams, takes the clam and preserves it in alcohol, sticks it in a can and packs it in a box with a necklace to put the pearl inside.  You're supposed to open the can, open the clam, take the pearl out and compare it to their "colour chart" to see what your pearl represents.  Unfortunately, both of our pearls were some kind of strange, in-between colour of every colour on the planet.

Then, you are to put the pearl inside of the little necklace and wear it forever.  Spencer made his into a keychain to combat the girliness of the whole concept.  I'm glad, because I was super worried about what he'd think of the pearl.  I bought it more for the experience of finding a pearl inside of something even though the label on the box told me I would.

So worried, in fact, that a week before valentines day I called my mom and asked her whether or not it was downright ridiculous that I bought him the thing in the first place.  I told her why I liked pearls and why I wanted him to have one and she replied, "That's hilarious.  Oysters create pearls by smoothing over something rough in their shell and people give each other gifts on Valentines Day to smooth over rough patches in their relationships."  Suddenly, everything made sense.  Or it would have if Spencer and I ever argued enough to induce gift-apologies.  Most of our arguments are mild, include nothing but grumpy faces, and end in both of us going, "Aaaah, I'm so sorry aaaah."

I think it's because we're so dang compatible.  We just don't have much to argue about.  When we do fight, it's because one of us is stressed out.  They're never bad enough to induce screaming and severe anger.  Which is good because if I could grow pearls around things that irritate me, what would stop me from turning him into a giant statue of hardened mucus?  Not only that, but what would stop me from forming pearls around everything I own?

Pearls may only be semi-precious, but I find them to be the most precious of all shiny and coveted things.  A creature as simple as a mollusk takes something obnoxious and turns it into something humans consider beautiful enough to wear as jewelry.  The mollusk doesn't know this is going to happen; all it cares about is fixing the irritation.

We could learn a lot from this.  Why not try fixing things that bug us instead of dwelling on them?  I could drag an argument out for weeks if I really wanted to.  Instead, I like to quit while I'm ahead, wait to cool down and apologize when I'm not in hyper-mode.  I just wait until I've had time to think, smooth some logic over whatever irritated me in the first place, and wait for it to harden into something more clarifying.

I'd rather not waste my time arguing with the man I love when  every moment I have with him is as precious to me as a hardened glob of mollusk secretions.

The Hat

            Sometimes I wonder if the only reason my boss keeps me around is because I’m entertaining.  Sure, I’m great with the customers and I come up with nifty ideas for the shop, but there has got to be some other reason they put up with my antics.  Time and time again I walk into Richard’s office and ask him if I can do something absurd.  What's even stranger is before I go in there, I come up with information to back up my reasoning.  At times I’ve actually convinced him to let me do some very odd things.

            Though, some of the best stories I have from work I managed to accomplish all on my own.  In fact, just the other day I came across something in the front of the store that enhanced my day by about 75%.  I was digging around the front counter looking for rubber bands or something when I came across something glorious hidden deep in one of the back cabinets.

            It was a hat.  Not just any hat, mind you, a genuine, all American trucker hat.  Best of all, it had the store’s logo on it.  Therefore, my boss had no choice but to let me wear it.

            I couldn’t remember a time where a hat made me so happy.  Then again, I try to get overly excited about everything at work so I’m never bored.  My manager gets super creeped out by it, but in all honesty, he’s never heard me complain about how boring my job is.  “Wow, I can’t believe I have to refill fifty cartridges today.” becomes “This is nice, I get to sit down for a few hours and relax while I refill some cartridges.”

            Now, first thing I did when I found this hat was run into the bathroom and figure out how I was going to wear it all day.  First, I decided to pull my hair through the back in a ponytail.  I had forgotten to bring a hairbow with me to work, so this was beneficial in more ways than one.

            Later, while bending over to get something, my ponytail separated into two pieces and fell over my shoulders.  This happens all the time because my hair is so long, but it had never happened to me while I was wearing an awesome trucker hat.  I didn’t get a look at myself until the next time I used the restroom.  When I did, I laughed so hard it scared the rest of the employees.

            My hair falling to my front paired with my new, blunt-cut bangs and the trucker hat had managed to form a pseudo-mullet.  I’m still not sure why that combination came forth, but I couldn’t stop laughing.
 

            Now, under any other circumstances my hair would not look like a mullet.  My haircut is what I consider to be very fashionable.  It looks like this but about a foot longer (that is not me, by the way).

            I ran around the store reveling in my awesome fake-mullet.  Any time I spoke to one of m superiors I did so in a gruff, southern man-voice peppered with various CB radio terms.  None of it made sense, but that didn’t really matter to me at all.

“Hey, can you refill some PGI-5’s for me?  We’re running low.”  My manager would ask.

“That’s a big 10-4, good buddy.”  I replied.

“O-kay. . .”

            It was glorious.

            When it came time for lunch I realized that I was missing an important part of my trucker appearance.  A moustache.  Going back to the last time my boyfriend and I went grocery shopping I remembered that the market across the street had a bubble machine with fake moustaches inside.  I went super out of my way during my lunch break to acquire one of those.

            You might think that a trip to the grocery store during a thirty minute lunch break isn’t that bad, but it is when you don’t have a car.  I have to run across the highway to get to one road, then cross that road to get to my favorite lunch place.  Now, on top of that, I had to run across another road and all the way to the other side of the shopping center.  All for a moustache.  Worth it?  I think so.

            When I did get to the grocery store’s moustache machine, I lovingly placed my fifty cents into the slots and turned the wheel.  I wasn’t sure what kind of moustache I was going to get, so I was a tad worried that I’d end up with something useless like sideburns.  However, luck was on my side, and I received the most magnificent of moustaches that could possibly come with a sticker on the back.

            I high-tailed it back to the store, clocked in and donned my new facial hair.  My trucker persona was complete.  Now, every CB radio phrase I shouted at my coworkers had so much more meaning behind it.  I felt at peace with the world for the first time in days.

 
           Of course, my boss made it very clear that he didn’t care if I wore the moustache in the store just as long as I didn’t wear it in front of customers.  I was a bit disappointed, but I understood.  While my coworkers were used to me being excessively weird in the back of the store, the customers saw the customer service side of myself.

 

Luckily I’ve turned transforming between weird-me and professional-me an art.

Mascara

I was going through an old purse of mine and found this little comic strip.

I'll write a nice, long post after these dad-gummed holidays are over <3

Runescape - This one is loooooong

 (This is long and wordy, but there's a comic at the end to make up for it.)

            I play runescape.  Unfortunately, everyone’s response to this is, “Runescape?  Ew, why?” so I get extremely defensive and spew things like, “They’ve really improved the graphics!”.  I actually have an entire spiel as to why Runescape is tons better than it was and why everyone should play.  However, I’m not going to bore you with this even though it would be funny to imagine me saying all those things while gradually getting more and more flustered.  For some reason I really dislike the fact that everyone hates runescape.  More so, what people seem to think of me afterwards.

            Or that might just be my paranoia.

            Anyways, I played as a tyke but eventually quit after I had done everything you could in the free game except for the dragon quest which I still refuse to do.  Then, several years later, I realized that I had money and could pay for a membership.  To represent how much better a membership is than the free game, I shall draw a diagram using cake:

           Everybody loves a slice of cake.  It’s sweet, moist and definitely delicious.  Free to play Runescape is a lot like this.  It’s a fun, really great game with okay graphics and plenty to do.  Very cool for a free game.

            Then, you have an entire wedding cake.  Wedding cakes are specially formulated to meet the extremely high standards of a crazed, bridezilla.  Wedding cakes are gorgeous, tasty, and there’s just so very much of it.  Nobody ever forgets their first slice of wedding cake.  The second you put it in your mouth you think, “No cake will ever amount to this.”

            Memberships are indeed wedding cakes.  Not only is there about 75% more stuff to do, but is you compare the size of the member’s map to the size of the free to play map it’s kind of like comparing a small slice of cake to a statuesque wedding cake.

            For a while, the member’s stuff had me super excited about Runescape and I was playing almost constantly.  Unfortunately, with the way I play video games, I soon got bored with actually doing things and just kind of derped around like I do with most other games.

            I hardly ever play a video game with any effort.  As I said before, I really just derp around until something happens, or until I find something completely irrelevant to strive for.  Let’s use the Fable series as an example.  I have beaten the first, haven’t played much of the second, and I’m about to beat the third.  All I did in any of those games was run around finding clothes to wear and people to woo into holy matrimony.  I still have no idea how I managed to beat them.

            I play Runescape the same way.  I’ll spend hours getting the supplies to bake pizzas and while doing so somehow level up four times and beat a quest I didn’t even know I was on.

The curse with this is that once I run out of will to do useless things, I get bored and go do something else.  Therefore, even with all the amazing quests and new skills, I stopped playing Runescape for a while.

Then, a few months later, I decided I should work on my crafting level.  I spent hours making bowstrings on autopilot because I decided I needed to go from level 12 to level 38 in crafting.  I literally made thousands of those things while watching several episodes of Law and Order SVU.  During one of my level ups, I was notified that I could now make a certain kind of robe in a place called Daemonheim.  “Daemonheim?!”  I shouted.  “That’s so many letters!  I gotta find that place.”

So, I pulled up my world map, found the place and walked all the way up there just to see what the heck it was.

In doing so, I discovered the greatest thing ever.

In Daemonheim, you can utilize this skill called Dungeoneering.  Basically, you get thrown in a dungeon with no weapons, no food, no armour, no nothing.  You work your way through this dungeon with a party, sharing skills and working together to get everyone weapons, food, armour, and anything else you might need.  It’s great, because you have to make all of this stuff yourself with what you find in the dungeon.  Paired with puzzles and enemies, Dungeoneering appeals to all sorts of video gaming needs.

Therefore, I fell in love with Dungeoneering and ran dungeons every day for months.  However, they get lonely by yourself and I try to avoid spending time with strangers on runescape (they’re all 12 and very, very angry).  If my sister wasn’t in the mood to Dungeoneer, I wouldn’t go.  Eventually this fizzled out as well, and I stopped playing for a month or two.

The third time I got back into Runescape was a month or two ago when my sister was visiting me.  We were playing together on our laptops so we could get some “quality time” in when we started to notice some really cool looking clothes.  People were running around wearing things we’d never seen before.  We asked around, and people told us what they were, but we couldn’t find them on any databases or at the Grand Exchange.  Finally, we ended up at a clothing store in Varrock only to discover that the Runescape crew had added about a bagillion new outfits to choose from.  Not only that, but it was free for us to change clothes for the entire day.

As Fable taught me, one of my favorite things to do in video games is dress up my characters.  I’ll spend so much money on clothing, dye, hair styles and everything in between.  Runescape had made my day, and I spent an hour completely revamping my entire character.  He went from one big derp to a blacksmith with awesome hair, an entire personality/backstory, and a fictional wife.  This new outfit completely rekindled my love for the game and I suddenly started doing everything with a lot more effort.

Unfortunately, with work and school, I have little time to play Runescape.  Though, my boyfriend has saved me from this, because I managed to get him into the game.  Now I can play more because I’ll be playing with him.  It’s all about that “quality time”, ya know.

In fact, he made his account last night, and my sister and I logged on to meet him.  Once we got there, I noticed that both my sister and my boyfriend play characters who look pretty much like they do in real life.  I do not.

So while Spencer looks like a wizardly version of himself with my hair colour, and while my sister looks like a tanner version of herself with lots of weapons, I look like a burly, white haired blacksmith with sideburns and sandals.  I’m sure the reason behind this is because I do play video games like a giant derp-machine.  I can’t even recall ever playing a character that was the same gender as myself let alone one that resembled me in any way.

The fact that Spencer’s character looks like him is hilarious to me, because we still talk like lovey dovey idiots to each other in the game.  So while we see the conversations as being perfectly normal, the other players see two burly men cooing at each other.

Now I enjoy a good man kiss just as much as the next, but since boyfriend’s character looks so much like him, all I saw was him nomming my Runescape character’s face.  It was such a strange mental image that I actually called my boyfriend and asked him if it was okay if I drew a detailed picture of him kissing Elfleda.

Also, completely unrelated, I just bought two tickets to see the B-52s, heeeeeee.

tl;dr I play runescape (username: Elfleda), Spencer and I are so gay, and LOVE SHACK, BABY LOVE SHACK. 

Feesh

This one's huge, and completely drawn!  If you can't read anything, click the panel to enlarge it :)

 

 

 

 I should add, before I went up to see Bill I asked, "Is Bill naked?" and everyone said no.